EDMONTON, Alberta – Suncor has been the first company charged with the recently discovered oilsands farce. Credited with being the biggest securities scam since Bre-X, an investigation by a private firm has discovered the oilsands are a total hoax, even bigger than the Eagleford sham that was unearthed a few months ago. There are no mines and no oil in northern Alberta. Just trees and pristine wilderness.
The scam, which must have cost trillions of dollars, is also credited with hiring more actors and special effects supervisors than any other endeavour in human history.
John Doe, Wrangler Investigations
The whole place is a damn hoax! We had to sneak through hundreds of kilometers of forest to get close enough to find the truth, as the companies control everything north of Westlock. It was very intricate. They are indeed paying their staff but they are just paying them to do nothing. The wages and profits come out of international investors that have been duped into believing there was a producible commodity in place. There is not. The people in Ft. McMurray are simply the best actors on the planet. Bar none. – John Doe, Wrangler Investigations
It seems the original plan was to trick several smaller companies standing in opposition to oilsands development that the prospect was too big to fail. Once they encouraged investment from those companies, it was only natural to grow and involve bigger and more lucrative clients.
Within 20 years, it seems that key players behind the scenes somehow managed to not only trick investors, but also keep staff from talking about the farce outside of the region. This is also a feat which could not easily be imagined unless the ludicrous wages they must pay to keep things quiet are factored in. 2P News managed to get a candid interview with an engineer previously employed with Suncor.
Anonymous Engineer tells all
We faked everything. All those machines and pipes were just taken up there, packed up and shipped as bulk alloy over the poles to northern Russia. We never dug so much as a post hole in the ground for oil. We sat around and played Xbox, drank beer, and got paid. Occasionally we had to drive around the field to put mileage on vehicles, and of course talk like big shots back home, but that was easy. They pad me $60 per hour to act like I knew what I was doing and talk up the oilsands to everyone I met. They ever poached a bunch of Pixar employees to help with special effects and mining animations to add reality to the media productions. Easiest job ever.
What Northern Alberta really looks like. No mines at all.
While the conspiracy unfolds in public media in the following weeks, 2P News will to stay on top of this story and report back as more details come available.
