Shlumburger to revolutionize horizontal drilling

HOUSTON, Texas – Oil and gas drilling has evolved exponentially over the years.  Technology moves so fast that the industry has a hard time keeping up with forward-looking changes fast enough to adapt their corporate models and strategies.  And the public has no idea how to contend with, or interpret, the results.  Fracking, horizontal drilling, and a vast array of downhole electrical tools have changed the way we do business.

Enter Shlumburger and its new geosteering software that pairs natural human intuition with advanced facies analysis to ensure 100% in reservoir drills every time.  Dubbed the Impulse program, it is surely one of a kind.  The Impulse Geosteering program combines the male libido and a powerful understanding of reservoir nuances to achieve success.   By harnessing the universal male impulse to seek out anything remotely sexually attractive, and combining it with intense reservoir understanding, the software does the rest with the help of Oculus Rift.

Our new geosteering technology was designed by the brightest engineers and behavioural psychologists on the planet.  We did something never before seen in the industry, or any industry.

When you combine basic human desires and impulses with a powerful understanding of a reservoir, you get what you want.  Always, and we will guarantee it. – Dick Fiengerrs, VP Impulse Geosteering at Shlumburger

Founded by a senior engineer at Shlumburger, the program was developed with the help of a behavioural science team and a number of geologists and engineering specialists.  With neural refocusing techniques and intense study, individuals are virtually rewired to make split second decisions in real time while drilling. The technology’s lead developer, Dr. Henry Tucknutz, explains,

We induct the candidates to a testing program implemented to weed out weak individuals before permanent harm is done to their Cervical Cortez or Annular Revixus.  Those are the primary geological portions of the brain.  Once adequate subjects are acquired, we proceed with the training.

 

We directly feed images to the brain associating sexual stimulation with corresponding characteristics of a reservoir.  The process uses a scientifically predetermined combination of time-dilation length-contraction memory bypass and pulse linked spacetime-curvature neurone neutrino induction directly to the brain’s surface.

 

We have a 87% success rate with 23% of our subjects.  Failed training usually results in a lowered intelligence and a minimal ability to contribute to society.  However, those individuals are almost always relegated to the accounting or land departments. – Henry Tucknutz, Academy of Neurological Research, Ghun’ kwon, North Korea

The Impulse training program requires 6 months at a special facility built by Shlumburger in Akron, Ohio.  Resumes and application can be sent to Shlumburger’s head office in Houston, or feel free to drop in at any regional office and apply in person.