2P News to introduce subscription fee in 2040

CALGARY, North Texas – The popular news blogging service that claims to be, “Your #1 source for irrelevant energy and political misinformation” has decided it will implement a per-article fee structure to help cover the costs of renovations and to keep the co-founders’ beer fridge and rum cabinet fully stocked at all times.

The currently self-funded Calgary-based outfit,  whose sole source of income is from collecting and returning beverage containers for deposit, plans to implement the fees starting January 1st, 2040. 2P News co-founder and publishing extraordinaire, Dr. Darcy Flowman, spoke to analysts and the general public at a press conference held at Mickey’s Rum and Pawn on 7th Avenue’s east side yesterday.

Implementing a cost structure for the public to access our content was a very difficult decision for me and Antoine to make. But at some point, every business has to stop giving people a free ride. People have been reading for free since we started a few years ago and our bills are adding up. Have you seen Antoine (or any geologist, for that matter) when there is no Moosepeace beer within an arm’s reach? It’s shocking.

Most of the crew around here produce their best work when they have loosened up, so generating the revenue to keep Fridgey full is a critical business decision. We hope that you all will accept the new fees. – Darcy Flowman

When asked whether or not 2P News had explored other options to generate revenue without burdening its readers, Antoine McGuilicuddy, also a 2P News co-founder, added,

Well, we approached both the Toronto and New York stock exchanges, but we were told that it was impossible for them to calculate metrics to see if we meet their hurdle criteria because we had zero annual revenue.

Now if only our freeloading readers who “laugh for free” would like us on Facebook or follow us on Twitter (**Ahem** nudge, nudge, wink, wink), we would be able to generate enough traffic to help us grow, but nooooooooooo, they are too damn lazy and busy to make a few extra few mouse clicks. But they sure as heck aren’t too lazy or busy to have a free read and laugh their faces off! – a bitter Antoine McGuilicuddy (who is in serious need of a schooner of Moosepeace)

According to documents personally handed out along Stephen avenue by the co-founders as they collected empties, the fees will start at $1.99 per article or $29.99 per month for all you can read. The infamous news outfit will accept payment through various means including Canadian Tire Money, empties, spare change, PayPal, credit card (literally, they do not plan to give them back), don’t pay for 24 months interest free, equal monthly payments, you name it.

The new payment scheme, although very popular with 2P News staff, is not very popular with at least some regular readers. Yecart Macey, a senior sanitation engineer with the City of Calgary, expressed his disappointment with the plan to 2P News lifestyle reporter Yu Mii.

Those 2 asshats can go straight to hell with gasoline drawers on! Pay to read that garbage?! Are you kidding me? They should be compensating me for the brain cells that say “see ya” after every article I read. I will, however, join the 2P News social media things to at least show them some love. Sheesh.

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