Student makes air pollution smell nicer, problem solved

DEADMONTON, Alberta – A 1st year chemical engineering student from Alberta’s Centre for Understanding New Technology has invented a process that she believes will revolutionize and polish-up the tarnished environmental face of the oil and gas industry.

The 29 year-old Edmonton-based student has devised a nano-technological process in which aromatic short-chain molecules are quantum electro-dynamically connected to the deoxyribonucleic structures of the waste gases from fossil fuel processing plants.  Miss Redolent explains her work,

This new process that I invented enables the waste gases to smell like any of a wide assortment of natural fragrances, including citrus and mint. ‘Citrus and mint?’ Yeah, that’s what I said.

I am currently conducting experiments to evaluate how effective the new Frag-Inject process is on liquids, because if that works, then the industry will never look at tailings ponds the same way ever again. I’m thinking  recreation, perhaps? Anyhow, despite only being in 1st year, TexxonMogul has recruited me for an entry-level job with its environmental R&D group, and I can’t wait to get to work. – Miss Redolent, 1st year student

Although the system was successfully piloted with a Leduc-area farmer who says that the rotten eggs he used to smell around his farm now smells like lavender, opponents to the strategy argue that the environmental impacts are the same as before, but now things just smell nicer. The Pembina Cardium Institute, Friends of the Earth, and Greenpeace all contend that this new process is hogwash.

In the case of farmer Farmer, hydrogen sulfide is still ever present in and around his property, and it’s still very dangerous. But our group finds that the idea that the air smells like flowers very appealing. We are pro-environment, and nice smelling air is a big part of a welcoming environment, so this is a tough one, and we’ll need to study the process at length to see exactly how happy or pissed off we should be, because that’s what we do, just get pissed off. Lucy Furrykratch, Greenpeace

Despite the new process’ laboratory and field pilot claims, it requires approval from both the AER and Alberta’s Sustainable Environment departments before it can be rolled out on a larger scale.

Opponents and proponents alike were surprised to see the level of research and development that took place at the institution of higher learning, especially by students early in their studies. Many believe that this was the first time that anything that smelled nice came out of Alberta’s Centre for Understanding New Technology.