Form-fitting bitumen bed promises fewer back injuries and better health

FORT MCMURRAY, Alberta – First there were spring mattresses, but as the springs wore they would cause pressure points and pain. Then came the water beds of the 80s and 90s: think cheesy and insurance claims. Memory foam mattresses were touted as being the be all end all in sleep technology, but eco-types claimed that their environmental impact was far to great.

So what’s next you ask? We’ll tell you what’s next: Introducing the BituBed 2000, invented by a former oilsands operator turned chiropractor, Dr. Krackenbach, this new bed promises to give the best night’s sleep possible while also providing a soft calming scent of raw petroleum to sooth you through the night.

When I was operating dump trucks in the mines around Fort McMurray, I would always be super tired, drunk, or both. So I had to figure out ways to get some rest on the job. The idea that worked best for me was to climb into the back of my Cat 793F and take a nap.

Unfortunately, the truck still had some bitumen soaked sand in the back, but I slept on it anyways, and I gotta tell ya, I had some of the best naps money could buy and what’s more is that my back pain mysteriously went away. Those naps pretty much kicked off a new chapter in my life and here I am! – Dr. Krackenbach

The recent grad of chiropractic study, who received his degree by mail order from Jim’s Bone Mechamic School of Chiro, claims that the form fitting nature of the real-life raw bitumen in his new bed is what sets it apart from its competition.

“Most people have a body temperature that is higher than ambient, and this free heat source actually warms up the bitumen to the point that softens up to cradle your body from head to toe. The hotter you are, the bed assumes the heavier you are, and it actually becomes softer which is more comfortable for you. And this is all automatic – no dials, switches, nothing,” Dr. Krackenbach continues.

The secret to the bed is its patented BituBladder system of 5 individual rubber bladders that help regulate temperatures throughout fives zones covering the body.

The rubber, which is specially designed to be impermeable to solids, yet allows air to slowly circulate through it, is what allows the fresh bitumen scent to escape and fill the room to sooth the senses while you sleep.

Unfortunately for Dr. Krackenbach, the Alberta Energy Regulator has issued a statement regarding the technology. Every bed he sells will fall under its regulation since it contains bitumen. This means that BituBed 2000 owners will have to apply to the regulator under Directive 8008-LESS every time the mattress has to be moved or disposed of.

Owners will also have to report any leaks or spills to the provincial regulator and formally clean up any leaks in accordance to all provincial and federal environmental mandates.