Calgary’s Bow Tower head sculpture targeted by bladder vandals

CALGARY, Alberta – Calgary’s world famous wire-frame head structure outside of the Bow Tower has been the target of repeated vandalism and abuse over the last few months.

It seems that since the weather has warmed up, patrons of the downtown pub and gastro scene have taken a real shine to urinating on the ground around the beloved landmark. The problem has become much worse in the last month or so, and the odour has people avoiding the building and meetings with Enkarma all together.

I can’t even come outside for a smoke anymore, it just smells like stale urine all the time. I even found what I thought was dog feces, then I realized it was human, and that’s going too far. I know our company dumps on a lot of other companies, but this metaphor was just disgusting. Send me an email, but please don’t crap on my lawn. – Douglas Refghan, Engineer with Enkarma

Mr. Refghan isn’t the only one suffering from indooritits due to the smell beyond the main doors of The Bow. Many of the Enkarma employees are staying inside and working longer hours, eating more snacks, and generally just avoiding moving as a result of the stench. That, and the fear they might get urinated on if they go outside alone.

While completely without precedent, there are serious fears that some individuals are waiting outside for the opportunity to relieve themselves on the pant leg of an Enkarma employee.

I won’t even go outside anymore, I take the Plus 15 everywhere. Rain, snow, sun, I don’t care.  If I went outside and someone from, say, Best West or Finite took a leak on my leg, I’d cry. I’d just fall down and cry. My life is hard enough without be targeted by bladder vandals outside my office. – Morning Aphtar, Sr. Geologist at Enkarma

While the city of Calgary is taking the matter seriously, the statue lies on private property and cannot be effectively policed by Calgary bylaw officials. In fact, one engineer from Enkarma didn’t realize what the source of the smell was and simply tried dumping a couple hundred liters of Listerine through the head’s mouth. Good thinking, but I don’t think a metal head can have halitosis, Jerry T.

Another solution that seems to be gaining support from Enkarma staff and city officials alike is public restrooms.  Except they are not going to be rooms. Enkarma Public Relations Director Victor Stroganoff believes the urinations are not targeted, but merely opportunistic, and he has pushed for the new exterior renovations.

These people don’t hate us. They simply drank too much and have to pee. We are on the way home for a lot of drinkity people, and they need to relieve themselves before they get home.

I want to put a dozen or so urinals out on the exterior walls of the building for them. No cubicles, no hand washing sinks, nothing. Just a place to pee.  And for girls, we can make an elevated cone out of ceramic so they can pee too. Easy peasy, Contract-Squeezy!