Justin Trudeau promises to lower sea levels to reverse impact of global warming

OTTAWA, Ontario – Global Warming. A concept that devours both mainstream and social media. As the Athabasca glacier melts at record rates, some will argue that the global warming forecast is overcast skies with a 100% chance of doom and gloom.

And if you listen to the right (or wrong) people, human beings are solely responsible for climate change.

Rather than take a definitive stance on either side of the GW debate, Justin Trudeau has unveiled a plan to simply mitigate its effects, or at least one of the most significant of them – rising sea levels.  The federal Liberal leader has promised to combat the effects of melting polar ice sheets with a plan to pump the excess sea water out of the oceans and seaways to ensure no damage from sea level rise occurs.

The plan is ambitious. The plan is expensive. And most people in some provinces will hate it. But in the face of this impending global disaster, I am going to do everything I can to prevent the end of civilization in our biggest and most vulnerable cities. I define success for this project as reducing sea levels to where they were before the industrial revolution.

Oh, and did I mention that my plan will also create thousands of jobs? Well, it will. Seeing that Canadians in our western provinces are busy with causing global warming, Ontarionians and Quebecistanians can get the newly created jobs and send the money back home where Canada’s wealth belongs – in the middle! When I get elected to the Prime Minister’s position in the next election, I will make my father f%cking proud. Oh sh!t, there’s goes my potty mouth again. – Justin Trudeau at the CSC rally in Burlington, Ont.

Mr. Trudeau’s “Combat Sea level Campaign” is controversial at best. The plan is to pump excessive seawater through a series of pipelines from coastal areas into large tank farms located in sparsely populated areas of Manitoba and Saskatchewan to keep Ontario and Quebec from becoming crowded.

According to Mr. Trudeau himself, Alberta was not considered as a viable location due to the intense animosity towards Trudeau in the province thanks to his father’s unyielding legacy. Reports indicate that land has already been purchased as a starting point for the tank farm water storage facilities. Details of the plan are slightly glazed over in the initial press release, but there appears to be over 10,000 oilfield style tanks required per storage facility, and 4 pipelines roughly the same size as the Keystone XL.

This is a very odd project to which we see a mainstream figurehead such as Trudeau attach his name. Economic analysts who heave reviewed the detailed plan, it’s going to run into the trillions of dollars, probably cause more grief with activists than it will solve, and can you imagine how the people of those two provinces feel?

Getting shafted by Trudeau using their provinces as storage areas for oceans that he wants to manually displace? He’s finally gone Pierre on us, folks. I would suggest he back off and crawl back to mommy before he gets his feeling hurt. – Jamminy Quidwell, Political Analyst and proud Albertan

When asked about the possibility of the storage farms not having enough capacity to store all the water melting from our polar ice regions, Trudeau was quick to point out his contingency plan.

By partnering with President Obama, he has temporary approval to build a water pipeline along the planned Keystone XL route, but deviating to a pump-off station at the north end of the Grand Canyon.

While activists in the United States are skeptical of such a destructive plan, the Grand Canyon was carved by water, and it is hard to argue with people wanting to put it back in there.