Dear Andy: I suffer from stage fright taking a pee at work, what should I do?

Dear Andy:

My name is Adam. I am Joint Venture Representative at a mid-size operator in Calgary. Ever since I was a teenager, I would get very nervous taking a pee unless I was the only one around. Things were fine at work until they shutdown the stalls in the washroom for 3 months of repairs. So now, whenever I’m peeing (alone), and I hear the door open, the pee cuts off and it hurts quite a bit.  Please help.  Adam T.

Dear Adam: Okay, here’s the deal. First, what’s up with being nervous all of the time? We all know how stressful it can be as a JV Rep, considering how important and difficult your job really is reading over those contacts day-in and day-out. What would the industry do without you??!! This stress could be the source of your nerves, so before figuring out the peeing problem, I’ll give you this advice: drink more rum and get laid more often. Seeing as you’re in JV, you’re likely single, so do your best on the 2nd task. Anyhow, here are some tried, tested, and true methods to help you get over your stage fright at work.

1) The Joint Ad-Venture: So you’re taking a leak on your own and all is good. Some dude walks in and your pee stops (youch!). So without buttoning up, casually slide back roughly 18″ behind the guy who just stepped in, and then slowly shuffle forward until 1 of 2 things happen: a) he gets more nervous than you are, he bolts out of the washroom, and you carry on (win!), or b) he turns around with a smile and comes onto you (lose).

2) The Liquidated Damages Clause:  Only use this technique in a moment of absolute shear panic. As some dude approaches the urinal next to you while you are peeing, quickly turn and ask him a question before your pee has a chance to stop. You will spray him with your golden shower, and you’ll feel great because he’ll be in a worse predicament than you are in. Be careful, however, because this move could get you beat up.

3) The Force Majeure:  This technique is quite unique, and it will require that you be somewhat flexible. A study conducted by students at the Nebraska State College concluded that a cold sensation on the tip of a man’s penis will automatically restart an arrested pee session. So when some guy walks in and your pee stops, here’s what to do:

1. get your feet shoulder width apart and put your hands on your hips,
2. bend your knees slightly, and
3. lean back while pushing your pelvis forward until the tip of your penis touches the urinal.

It’s as easy as that. Not only will that get the pee going again, but the guy next to you will be so weirded-out that he’ll bolt from the can without even washing his hands. Mission accomplished.

4) The Statute of Urinations: If the first 3 techniques fail, then avoid peeing in the bathroom altogether, here’s what to do:  Keep a few empty sports drinks bottles in your office. When you feel the need to go, close your door, fill up one of the bottles, cap it, and hide it in your desk. When the coast is clear, run to the pisser, dump the bottle in the toilet, and quickly toss the bottle in the recycling bin (or take it back to your desk – re-use baby!). Under no circumstance should you leave the bottle on the kitchen counter or panic and put it in the fridge.

So there you go, Adam, I hope these methods will help you urinate in peace at work.  As usual, our readers might have some ideas of their own that they may care to share below.

Andy Killinger,  Staff Counselor Proved Plus Probable News