British Columbia to create coastal oil sands to avoid Northern Gateway Pipeline

WHISTLER, British Columbia – In an effort to stave off Alberta’s cannibalistic energy industry, and save what she can of British Columbian pride, Christy Clark announced a bold move yesterday afternoon to revamp BC’s energy sector.

The key to killing this stupid Northern gateway pipeline once and for all isn’t to simply block the proposed path with physical barricades, tearing down our beautiful mountains in the process.  The answer is much simpler.  We have an issue with Alberta’s raw bitumen.  Not processed crude oil.

So we, as of today, will create our own oil sand prospect.  Near a safe shipping terminal where we can control and monitor all aspects of its creation through production.  Safely, effectively, and costly. – Christy Clark

Outlined in a 12-page handout created for the press, the project has an objective like no other.  In opposition to the transmission of raw oil sands bitumen, or Dilbit, the notoriously hard-nosed BC premier proposed a plan to build an insitu oil sands mine at a secure, albeit secret location on the coast.  The plan is very detailed, but basically outlines a concept to import sand from California, and refined oil from existing pipelines in Alaska.  The sand and oil will be mixed in large open pits at the yet to be constructed facility, then mined for oil sands-like production, and piped to tankers for shipment to the East Asia.

According to the handout, tailings ponds, which have been the bane of oil sands projects since the industry’s inception, will not be necessary for the BC Energy project since the operation will be dealing with a product that has already been refined, in Alberta, where all of the tailing ponds are anyhow.

I feel this project would benefit California in a profound way.  We see this as an opportunity to export the beaches we have polluted to the point nobody wants to surf anymore.  And now that most of the sand is radioactive thanks to Japan, we need to do something dramatic.  Our plan is to sell our beaches to BC for oil sands use, then import new sands from Arizona and New Mexico.  They have enough. – Walt Griswood, Governor of California

The site details for the project are undisclosed at this time, but there are a few areas of the coastline that may be possible choices, according to Greenpeace activists promoting the plan.  The area needs to be very large, and lightly populated, to ensure very little in the way of annexing and displacing BC residents.

There also has to be access to open water with few submerged and dangerous obstacles for tankers.  Getting the imported oil into the facility from Alaska will require new pipelines to be constructed along the coast, but seeing as it is refined oil, there should be little in the way of environmental opposition.

We just hate Alberta.  When I was fired from the camping store I worked at for telling some engineer he was an earth killer, it was just so wrong.  Those people have less of a conscience than a serial killer, or a lawyer.  This project will do one thing very well, it will show Alberta not to mess with BC! I hope Redford can dig that. – Kinnder Aggonsin, Sepia Tulip Ocean Fund