Beau Building collapses under immense weight of tenants’ collective egos

CALGARY, Alberta – The sky-scraping, crescent-shaped Beau Building in downtown Calgary collapsed at roughly 10:00am yesterday on a very busy Monday morning.

According to reports from Calgary Emergency Services, all of the 37 people in the 65-storey building at the time of the collapse sustained minor injuries – 29 of them cleaning staff. The lead structural engineer with Cockram Engineering and Architecture, the firm that designed the building, was called to explain possible reasons for collapse that resonated throughout the entire downtown core and surrounding areas.

It would appear that the building was designed to easily withstand level-12 tsunamis, F5 tornadoes, magnitude 9 earthquakes, and any number of terrorist attacks, but we did not consider the immense load created by the collective egos of the building’s tenants from Bendovus Energy and the EnCanta Corporation.

 

We have designed and built a number of the buildings in downtown Calgary, but never before have we encountered this problem. – Robert Halfapush, structural engineer

Street-level eye-witnesses along 7th avenue reported hearing progressively louder cracking noises as each of the 8 employees entered the award-winning building. A witness from a building across 3rd street reported seeing the foundation give way when Bendovus Energy’s President and CEO drove his exotic sports car into the building’s basement parking garage.

I rolled up to the parking door, it opened, and I could see dust plumes shooting off of the parkade structural concrete supports. At first I thought it was the cleaning staff removing dust from the pillars adjacent to my executive parking spot, but I was wrong.

 

All of the sudden the building collapses on top of me, but luckily, I was able to support the roof of my McLaren with sheer willpower, in a way that it kept me safe.  – Dèng Xiǎopíng Dòngbīn, Bendovus CEO

A preliminary report released early this morning by structural collapse investigators concluded that the force exerted from the weight of the massive egos traveled downwards to the building’s foundation.  At that point, the footings were overwhelmed and four key structural supports broke down and critically failed.  Apparently, the free space between the electrons and the nucleus of the atoms in the concrete was reduced to next to nothing.

This molecular atom-level collapse triggered a chain-reaction of larger scale collapses until the building failed. The investigators also attributed the structural failure to an improperly constructed series of secret labs hidden in the building’s parkade.

I want to make sure it is understood that this was not a fluke incident.  This building’s demise has been happening since the doors opened and stress was applied.  Time weakened the whole structure until it finally failed.  No one has ever heard of this type of failure before, but we’ve never dealt with Bendovus before.

 

A failure caused by immense attitude and crushing egotism is a new force for structural engineers to deal with, and in light of that, several studies are going to be implemented in other locations around the world.  The headquarters of Apple, Facebook, Trump Towers, and Wal-Mart are also going to need a thorough Ego-Evaluation.  – Robert Halfapush

EnCanta Corporation plans to pursue legal action, claiming that Cockram Engineering was grossly negligent for failing to consider the bipolar corporation’s egotistical, dominating, and narcissistic reputation.  A reputation that the company  worked hard to develop for over a century, dating back to its early roots with CPR in 1883 when a drilling crew looking for water accidentally found natural gas.  (Editor’s note: much like the accidental strategy they employ today.)

The criminal case is now under investigation.