QUEBEC CITY, Quebec – In a landmark proposal set forth by the Province of Quebec, and supported by French-Canadian separatists across Canada, Quebec Premier Marois announced yesterday that she plans to separate her province from the country of Canada. Literally, physically, figuratively – in every sense of the word.
The fiesty Premier went on the record to say that she will borrow technology from the Province of Alberta, and hydraulically frack the province’s political borders such that Quebec becomes and island and floats away into the Atlantic Ocean.
Pauline Marois, announcing the news of a physical separation
“Quebec needs to be a sovereign nation, and how better than to physically become our own country? As an island nation, we can have French only street signs, build and maintain a strong and proud Francophone culture, and we’ll keep all of the best poutine to ourselves, without having to worry about the Anglos complaining.
I plan to separate Quebec in Q4 of 2014, because it will take a while for us to get the drilling machines and earth fracturing tools over here from Alberta, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba – who are very, very, willing to lend us the machines at no cost. Even Ontario has offered to help, even though they do not have many oil and gas heavy machinery. I appreciate their support.” – Pauline Marois, Quebec premier
The Province of Quebec has secured the services of Calgary-based Relapse Engineering and Reservoir Design Inc. (RERD) to manage the project, Precise Drillworkx to drill, and Hollimorton to handle the fracking. According to Angeloy Tripomontoforia, one of RERD’s founding partners and the project’s lead manager,
Angeloy T, P. Eng
“We sure are going to be busy. Our models tell us that we should drill 10,000 vertical wells and 17,000 horizontal wells around the province’s perimeter. But the real key will be synchronizing the fracks so that the province separates all at once, without risking it breaking into smaller sub-provinces. The last thing we need is a number of small French islands floating throughout the Atlantic.” – Angeloy Tripomontoforia, with Relapse Engineering
A marketing brochure released by the Province of Quebec, which was mailed to every one of its residents, describes the plan and notifies Quebecers of a deadline by which non-supporters must leave the province, or risk just coming along for the ride. It also describes how the frack water will be sourced from the Hudson’s Bay. Below is an artist’s rendition of how Canada will look once it has lost its dead weight.
Canada in red, with a sovereign Quebec floating away towards Greenland.
Most of the plan’s opposition comes from the Maritimes, where they feel that it will not be possible to frack Quebec out of Canada without taking them along. RERD has mitigated this risk by ensuring that the East side of Quebec will be fracked with additional water under higher pressure, to ensure effective separation.
Canada and the US are also wondering what will happen to the void left with Quebec’s departure. According to a key individual in Canada’s PMO, the void will automatically be filled with water, so it could just become an additional Great Lake, perhaps called Lake Au Revoir Frenchies, or it could be backfilled and split in half to expand Manitoba and Ontario.
Prime Minister Harper, went on the record to say that, “Quebec has support from everybody in Canada outside of Quebec for this endeavour. We will them all the best, and that they settle someplace nice and warm, and very, very far away.”
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