Can coffee end the fracking debate?

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – In the wake of massive criticism about fracking and the environmental damage surrounding shale gas drilling and completions, many companies are vying to profit from being the first to the podium with a new idea.

Monday, May 13th, at 7:15 EST, Starbucks Coffee Inc. held a press release to announce a partnership with other coffee vendors in the USA and an organic, somewhat biodegradable, granular substance it claims is the perfect proppant for shale gas fracking.

Coffee. Yes, coffee.

The Partnership has teamed with renowned scientist and environmental activist, Daveed Kawasaki, in conjunction with Pseudo Science USA LLC to develop 3 new blends of roasted beans, each with a specific patent and formation target in mind.

The first new proppant, dubbed The Dunkin, comprises older coffee, which has been left to age and harden at atmospheric pressure for 3 weeks.  These grinds do not dissolve at all, which leaves the frac fluid nearly coffee free, and the hard grains keep the fractures open for eons, never dissolving and never failing.

The second type of proppant has be aptly nicknamed The Timmy.  It quickly parts the formation and opens fractures as it moves through communicating natural fractures to other wells in the area.  One detrimental effect seems to be that once a well has been completed with The Timmy, no other surrounding well will produce until it has been re-completed with The Timmy, indicating either the rocks are getting smarter or humans are getting dumber (Editor: you are reading this, you decide).

The third and final new proppant has been coined The Bucks.  It works efficiently to open fractures very, very quickly, but it costs 5 times more than the other 2 proppants.  A fourth is in development, but transport out of Seattle seems to be a logistical nightmare.

Ecoterrorist groups Blue-Piece and the She-Ra Club are in favour of the Partnership’s advancements, but remain on the fence as to the effects of contamination in the same way traditional frac fluids might. According to Sunchild Smilymoon, PR director at the She-Ra Club,

“If we try this, and there is contamination, what is the Government going to do when the good people of Pennsylvania are all hyped up on groundwater, vibrating, twitchier, and talking faster than normal.  Can Obama even understand that kind of gibberish, or will he just blah blah blah like he does Keystone man, just like Keystone!” – Sunchild Smilymoon

In an Eagleford trial, where proppant flowback and near wellbore coalescence accelerating declines are a prevailing issue, Joel Numbpekker, a completions engineer with Cheaterson Energy, noted that while the 3 new proppants worked well in actuality, they presented numerous challenges at the rig site.

“We got drillers eating handfuls of proppant, geologists complaining the fumes off samples in offsetting drills give them the runs something fierce, and we have the damn pumpers dressing like they’re headed to a rave at The Max in Omaha!” – Joel Numbpekker, doesn’t like coffee

I know its all coochy tiger panda friendly and it doesn’t make fish have 5 gills, but it creeps me out.  I am just not sure if its the answer.”

With billions of dollars and the child labor force on the Ivory Coast riding on the success of the cocoa bean for the future of safe, chipmunk saving proppant, it remains to be seen if it will be a viable alternative to good old toxic, flammable, explosive, carcinogenic chemicals we can produce right here in North America.  Viva La Conundrum!