Dear Andy: What’s the best way to cure a Stampede hangover?

Dear Andy:

My name is Steve and I spent the last week being paraded around like a trophy catch by vendors who aren’t really good at anything except buying drinks.  I feel like crap and I have work to do.  Can you help me find a cure for this damn Stampede hangover?  Begging for help, Steve G. 

Dear Steve:
Okay here’s the deal.  First, stop bashing your service vendors.  They are undoubtedly the most selfless and supportive people you will meet in this industry and you should try harder to please them.  Maybe send flowers?  And as for your hangover question, many remedies abound, but here at 2P we have a few very special formulas that have helped us in the past.

1)  The Ginger Flap – Have the red headed hottie you took home with you make you flapjacks and eggs the next morning.  This has been studied intensely at several community colleges in the southern USA, and they concluded that the chemicals released into your brain while you watch her making flapjacks in your Stampeders jersey will negate any ill effects from alchohol.

2)  Moose Ball Sandwhich – Get a local McDonalds to squash up and deep fry 4 quarter pounder patties and then squish them into a Big Mac bun.  Voila.  A classic if there ever was one.

3)  The Frac job – Developed in Norway by a team of gelogical students at Heimarfjord University, it’s tricky but it works wonders if you’ve been drinking Jaeger shots all night.  Mix 12 packages of pop rocks into a glass of luke warm tomato juice.  If you drink it fast enough, the power of the exploding pop rocks will open up your “pipelines” and allow all the previous nights bad juju to flow out of you and reset you for the day.  Hopefully before you leve the house and get on the C-Train.

4)  The Displacement – We all know that one way to get fluid out of a well is to displace all of the volume out of the hole with another, less dangerous fluid.  Keep a record on your iPhone of the volume of every drink and then consume that same amount of 10% cream (or coffee creamer) the next morning.  One way or another, you should fell better in an hour or so.

5) The Median – This technique was developed by a group of petroleum engineering students at a university in Texas, and here’s how it works: Recollect and jot down all of the previous hangovers that you’ve had in your entire life in a numbered list ranked worst to worsest. Now find the median ranking (if you are a geologist, please seek the help of an engineer to find the median, especially if there is an even number of hangovers in your set). Now rank your current hangover, and if it falls above the median, then just be happy that most of the hangovers you’ve had have been worse (or worser).

6) The 2Per – This is my secret remedy that I use when I have the wickedest hangovers. I open a web browser, visit my favourite website, and read all sorts of articles and share them with my friends. That really seems to do the trick, and I strongly recommend that you try that this week.

So there you go, Steve G., all the best. And if these remedies don’t work for you, then perhaps our readers will suggest some tricks of their own.

Andy Killinger, Staff Counsellor Proved Plus Probable News