GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

CALGARY, Alberta – Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin “boom boom” Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual positions and seismic signatures using little more than an application for his smartphone, his girlfriend, and some software at work.

So I was perusing through an application vendor’s website when I stumbled across a GeoPhone app which enables the phone to measure seismic activity. I convinced my girlfriend to strap my phone to her during our intimate moments in the name of science. I collected data over the course of 16 months, after which time I brought the data to work to analyze. It didn’t take me long to identify these correlations, as shown in the photos that I prepared for 2P News.

According to Mr. Weaver, there is ample opportunity to research and develop this brand new field of geophysics. He continues,

The applications are endless. For example, this technology can be used to standardize the performance of actors and actresses in the pornographic industry. Instead of the industry’s annual awards being decided subjectively by the voting public, a process which is known to be dubious at best, the trophies will be awarded based on exact physical performance as compared to ideal type curve expected techniques.

Also, when the sensors in smartphones become sufficiently sensitive, I will be able to press my phone against the wall of my roomate’s room to prove that he pulls it at least 3 times every night. Oh man, this is great stuff.

In the images shown below, a pictorial summary of Mr. Weaver’s research, you can see the sexual position on the left with the chart on the right. The red star depicts where the GeoPhone was positioned during the sessions.

Position #1: The Invaded Zone Shuffle

Position #2: The Back Dat Ass Up Curve

Position #3: The Borehole Compensator

Position #4: The Dickmeter Doowop

Position #5: The Long Abnormal Logger

Position #6: The Dipole on My Pole

Much to Mr. Weaver’s dismay, the abstract that he submitted to the Journal of Experimentary Geophysics was rejected, and for reasons unknown, his girlfriend of 6 years recently left him. “It really sucks to be turned down both professionally and personally at the same time, ya know. It really does.”