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2026 Darcy Awards Ceremony to Celebrate an Overwhelming Surplus of Oil and Gas Industry...

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CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of incompetence” across the oil and gas sector that simply could not be contained in the inaugural award's ceremony that was held back in 2013. The original Darcy Awards, described by insiders as “a celebration of the worst and the worser,” were already considered a logistical failure after the judging committee accidentally...

Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon With Feelings: Budgeting From the Heart, was introduced as officials confirmed this year’s shortfall was “numerically real but spiritually misaligned.” “Previous budgets relied too heavily on math,” said Alberta's Minister of Energy, Bryan Bean, standing before a PowerPoint slide that simply read VIBES (2026). “Next year’s budget will be much stronger...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s first activist-focused cement integration service in Q2 2026, in partnership with Alberta Aggregates. The program is explicitly designed for environmental activists who wish to continue reducing emissions after death, by having their cremated remains incorporated into engineered cement blends used for well abandonment and environmental remediation projects across the province. “For many...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience and reduce costs, with a goal to increase ridership within the city's network of light-rail transit trains. “There were dozens of ideas put forward at our internal strategy round table.  Of those we have selected the 10 best proposals we felt could be implemented without years of construction or consultations. The...

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Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack...

EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Top Ten Things Alberta Teachers Plan to Do If They’re Legislated Back to Work

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EDMONTON, Alberta - As contract talks between the Alberta Teachers’ Association and the province hit the “we’ll-legislate-you-back” stage of negotiations, educators across the province are already preparing their battle...

The Quantum Mechanics of Excel Clipboard’s 4.20 Picosecond Lifespan

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GENEVA, Switzerland - In a groundbreaking study published this week in the Journal of Computational Nonsense, researchers at the Federal University of Klingnau's department of Spreadsheet Physics have finally...

Calgary-Area Geologists Launch Class-Action Lawsuit over Bryan Adam’s “Rock Show”

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Over 1,700 Calgary-area geologists join the Class Action suit The group cites advertising the event as a "rock show" was grossly misleading Lawyers seeking punitive compensation for wasted...

Dear Andy: I’m a 27 year old petroleum geologist looking to switch careers. What should I do?

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Dear Andy, "I’m a 27-year-old petroleum geologist and I want out. The oilfield has drained me dry—literally. Every well I’ve touched in the last 3 years has been dustier than...

Breaking News! Carnivorous Elephant on Rampage in Calgary area!

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CALGARY, Alberta – Lakshmi, an Indian elephant held in captivity at the Calgary Zoo, escaped last night and is now prowling the suburbs looking for new victims after eating...

AeroOil releases PetroNano transport technology

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HOUSTON, Texas - The current state of the oil and gas industry leaves a lot to be desired.  Plagued by not only demand and supply concerns, the industry faces...

Subsurface PNG professionals launch Rez-Rescue emergency response

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CALGARY, Alberta - It has been said that necessity is the mother of all invention. Here is a case in point from an entrepreneurial point of view in the oil patch. A group of out-of-work oil and gas subsurface professionals recently launched a consulting company...

Saskatoon-based FizzBang H20 shakes up the energy industry

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RED DEER, Alberta – In a shocking twist that has left the Canadian energy sector fizzing with excitement, Regina-based beverage titan FizzBang H2O announced today that it has acquired a majority share in DeepThrust Energy's flagship carbon capture and storage (CCS) project in Saskatchewan....

Geophysicist develops 6th sense for discovering PNG deposits

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ESTEVAN, Saskatchewan - Back in the early history of the PNG industry, oil was literally found by stumbling upon seeps of oil that made its way to the surface of the earth - drill there. Easy. More recently, seismic technology, along with the geophysical...

MIT engineering prodigy takes geology course, world-record IQ drops 81%

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HOUSTON, Texas – Harry Tikklenuts graduated high school at 13, scored perfectly on his SATs, and was admitted to the MIT’s faculty of engineering at the precedent-setting age of 15. His IQ, 162, which is 22 points above the so-called genius benchmark and the...

Scientists mathematically prove that geologists are absolute idiots

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GENEVA, Switzerland - Scientists at the Fribourg University of Cardinal Knowledge have just proven that geologists (and all other geo"scientists") are complete idiots. This finding confirms, mathematically, what many people have believed for decades. The study was undertaken by the university's Department of Behavioural...

New analog geological computer created specifically for mapping

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CALGARY, Alberta - GeoPC Inc has finally released its long-awaited geological mapping computer.  The Calgary-based company has been developing a computer custom-tailored for geological mapping for several years, led by geological dynamo Rocky Mindsporge. The GeeMappulator is a hybrid analog/digital mapping computer based on a...

Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering

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Hello all, In this light-hearted Friday piece, Sir William Shortspeare (who is both an engineer and a geologist), put down on virtual paper some thoughts that he calls: Cultural Learnings of Geology for the Glorious Profession of Engineering. The list is in rough alphabetical order....

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2P News Staff

Andy Killinger
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Antoine McGuillicuddy
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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Study: Global warming linked to Sun

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CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...

Area entrepreneur opens combo geological services/food truck

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CALGARY, Alberta - Food trucks and food kiosks are commonplace along Calgary's busy Stephen Avenue Mall, along with a variety of restaurants, pubs, and lounges where you can get everything...

Dear Andy: The engineer in the cubicle next to me has hygiene issues, what should I do?

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Dear Andy: My name is Sarah.  I am a surface land team lead with an intermediate PNG company here in Calgary. I sit adjacent to an engineer whose hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. Because of this guy, I find it very difficult to be productive, and I even find...

Student makes air pollution smell nicer, problem solved

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DEADMONTON, Alberta - A 1st year chemical engineering student from Alberta's Centre for Understanding New Technology has invented a process that she believes will revolutionize and polish-up the tarnished...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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