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Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon With Feelings: Budgeting From the Heart, was introduced as officials confirmed this year’s shortfall was “numerically real but spiritually misaligned.” “Previous budgets relied too heavily on math,” said Alberta's Minister of Energy, Bryan Bean, standing before a PowerPoint slide that simply read VIBES (2026). “Next year’s budget will be much stronger...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s first activist-focused cement integration service in Q2 2026, in partnership with Alberta Aggregates. The program is explicitly designed for environmental activists who wish to continue reducing emissions after death, by having their cremated remains incorporated into engineered cement blends used for well abandonment and environmental remediation projects across the province. “For many...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience and reduce costs, with a goal to increase ridership within the city's network of light-rail transit trains. “There were dozens of ideas put forward at our internal strategy round table.  Of those we have selected the 10 best proposals we felt could be implemented without years of construction or consultations. The...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack Engineering Solutions™, the city’s first mobile oil & gas consulting company operated entirely out of a repurposed 1998 GMC food truck that promises "fast, fresh, on-the-go technical expertise, while you wait." The founders, Cindy “Sidetrack” McKinnon, a drilling & completions engineer, and Felipe “P10” Morales, a reservoir engineer, say they’re “disrupting...

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EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Top Ten Things Alberta Teachers Plan to Do If They’re Legislated Back to Work

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EDMONTON, Alberta - As contract talks between the Alberta Teachers’ Association and the province hit the “we’ll-legislate-you-back” stage of negotiations, educators across the province are already preparing their battle...

The Quantum Mechanics of Excel Clipboard’s 4.20 Picosecond Lifespan

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GENEVA, Switzerland - In a groundbreaking study published this week in the Journal of Computational Nonsense, researchers at the Federal University of Klingnau's department of Spreadsheet Physics have finally...

Calgary-Area Geologists Launch Class-Action Lawsuit over Bryan Adam’s “Rock Show”

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Over 1,700 Calgary-area geologists join the Class Action suit The group cites advertising the event as a "rock show" was grossly misleading Lawyers seeking punitive compensation for wasted...

Dear Andy: I’m a 27 year old petroleum geologist looking to switch careers. What should I do?

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Dear Andy, "I’m a 27-year-old petroleum geologist and I want out. The oilfield has drained me dry—literally. Every well I’ve touched in the last 3 years has been dustier than...

Online Retail Giant Expands Into Canadian Oil & Gas, Offers Free Drilling With $29 Purchase

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Calgary, Alberta — In a move that has left economists scratching their heads and oil patch veterans choking on their soy-based flat whites, Chinese e-commerce giant TEMU has announced...

Development engineer uses Value Navigator to plan wedding, bride loses it

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CALGARY, Alberta - Making money in oil and gas is a complicated mix of illusion and creative mathematics.  Sophisticated engineering software and various other technical tools are purpose-built to...

Stettler Alberta faces frac contaminated water supply

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STETTLER, Alberta - A warning by Health Canada was issued today for the town of Stettler, Alberta. The warning comes after the revelation that a locally-owned petroleum exploration company, Bahmeensno Resources,...

Geology-inspired Phi-K Doughnuts coming to downtown Calgary this spring

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary is the hotbed for doughnut shops ranging from the basics at Tim Hortons all the way up to the 2nd-tier units that you can grab at Contemporary Jelly Doughnuts and the new Hula Hoop offerings from the makers of Fill...

Pegmatites Declared Noxious Rocks

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a surprise move during a press conference at the annual convention of the International Society of Geological Trivia (ISGT) in Calgary, it was declared that a class of igneous rocks known as pegmatites are noxious. Society president Philbert Todestuhl first had...

Ore Bodies Located with Bovinity Rays

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EDMONTON, Alberta – A new methodology for locating subterranean ore bodies is taking Alberta mining districts by storm.  Development of the method began with the observation that in certain circumstances a herd of cattle will align themselves in parallel formations.  As the cattle move...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual positions and seismic signatures using little more than an application for his smartphone, his girlfriend, and some software at work. So I...

Fat geologists perform better than thin geologists: Study

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a landmark 20-year study, the Canadian Institute of Corpulence in Rotund, Manitoba revealed that well-upholstered geologists performed their tasks marginally better than underweight ones, after making statistical corrections for age, experience and IQ. The lead consulting researcher for the study, the...

Casket Wars Canada reality TV show sweeping the nation

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CALGARY, Alberta - From the network that brought you Storage Wars and 27 & Counting, B&E's brand new reality TV show, Casket Wars Canada, is sweeping the nation and making many loyal fans along the way. Casket Wars is broadcast Wednesdays on CPAC and...

Subsurface PNG professionals launch Rez-Rescue emergency response

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CALGARY, Alberta - It has been said that necessity is the mother of all invention. Here is a case in point from an entrepreneurial point of view in the oil patch. A group of out-of-work oil and gas subsurface professionals recently launched a consulting company...

SmartDart™: New Oil & Gas Exploration Tool

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CALGARY, Alberta – A newly formed company, Random Eyes LLC, based in Houston has announced a product that it claims will revolutionize exploration for oil and gas.  It is well known that geologists employ pub darts thrown at a map to determine most drilling...

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2P News Staff

Andy Killinger
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Antoine McGuillicuddy
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Cynthia Redbush
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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Dear Andy Advice Column: Should I study geology or engineering?

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Dear Andy: My name is Richard. I am 17 and going into Grade 12 this September and I don't know if I should study engineering or geology. My dad is a courier and my mom works at the Super Mart, so they really have no clue. Please help. Dear Richard: Okay here's...

Polar ice water the future of frac fluids

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CALGARY, Alberta - IceAge Energy, an oil and gas technologies firm based in Red Deer, AB has announced the findings of a 14-month study on source water quality and...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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