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California Startup Wants Alberta Drivers to Pay by the Pound at the Pump

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CALGARY, Alberta – Later this year, a new pricing initiative will soon be introduced in Alberta by a southern California-based climate/carbon think tank corporation. The company, Scaled Ltd, is an industrial weigh scale outfit that designs and manufacturers drive-over weigh scales for commercial transport traffic. In 2023, the company was acquired by Spark Transport. At that time, Spark was focused on a fleet of electric, hybrid, and hydrogen powered tractors for freight distribution. Through the merger, Spark was able...

Canada Sees Explosion in “Emotional Support Engineers” Following Mass Layoffs

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OTTAWA - There is a trend sweeping across Canada where unemployed engineers are finding a new lease on life as full-time "Emotional Support Engineers," and things are really taking off. In fact, Statistics Canada reported just this morning that the country now has more Emotional Support Engineers than actual engineers currently employed in engineering. Calgary is the Epicentre of this Movement The trend reportedly began quietly in Calgary, where unemployed petroleum, software, mechanical, civil, and process engineers were first spotted standing...

Calgary-based NextMA Energy Begins Preparing Wells for Production in 75 Million Years

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CALGARY, Alberta - While most oil and gas companies are focused on quarterly results, NextMA Energy Inc. (NME) has decided to think slightly further ahead by developing reservoirs that are expected to become commercially viable sometime around the next mass extinction event. NME (TSX-V: NMA) recently acquired surface rights across 87 townships in the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin with plans to begin drilling wells that are expected to become economically viable sometime shortly after humanity evolves into glowing telepathic...

Sorry in Advance: Alberta Oil Crew Politely Invades Kharg Island

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KHARG ISLAND, Iran - In what experts are already calling “either a bold geopolitical maneuver or a long weekend gone catastrophically off-script,” 2P News has learned that a flotilla of Canadian oil and gas professionals has successfully arrived on the shores of Kharg Island, apparently intending to take over operations - politely. According to early morning satellite imagery and several confused naval observers, a convoy of pontoon boats and personal watercraft somehow threaded its way through heavily armed U.S. and...

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2026 Darcy Awards Ceremony to Celebrate an Overwhelming Surplus of Oil and Gas Industry Incompetence

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CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of...

Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack...

EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new set of specialty geology crayons for mapping, coloring, sketching, and doodling just about anything to...

Casket Wars Canada reality TV show sweeping the nation

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CALGARY, Alberta - From the network that brought you Storage Wars and 27 & Counting, B&E's brand new reality TV show, Casket Wars Canada, is sweeping the nation and making many loyal fans along the way. Casket Wars is broadcast Wednesdays on CPAC and...

Next Millenia Energy looking to wow investors with long-range development plans

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CALGARY, Alberta - Saskatoon-based Next Millenia Energy Inc. (TSX: NME) has recently acquired surface rights in 87 townships in the WCSB, planning a very unique oil and gas play. In anticipation of future oil and gas pool and trap development, NME is going to...

Geologist-in-Training launches wrongful dismissal suit

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CALGARY, Alberta - Zeerana Astransy graduated with honors from the University of Alberta in 2012, and quickly made a move to a development role as a geologist-in-training with mid-sized PNG operator, Righteous Resources.  After nearly 18 months of development and where she drilled a...

Geophrenologist Claims Ability to Locate Oil and Gas

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LOONEYTUNE, California - The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines phrenology as the study of the conformation of the skull based on the belief that it is indicative of mental faculties and character.  That is, the bumps and ridges that can be felt on a person’s skull...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of resource play while fooling around with geology as his geoscience team was away on a field trip. Johan had been...

Oil and gas companies to reduce geology staffing costs in 2020 with new “Drill Here” button

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CALGARY, Alberta – The oil and gas industry’s technological innovation over the last 150 years is truly astonishing, which his why its lackadaisical adoption of artificial intelligence is so jaw-droppingly surprising. Geophysicists have figured out how to vibrate the earth’s crust and use seismic imaging...

Breaking News! New seismic wave discovered

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CLEVELAND, Ohio - A group of scientists at the Earth Motion Laboratory in Shaker Heights, Ohio announced today the discovery of a new type of seismic wave that they have dubbed the Stadium Wave. In most cases, announcements like this don’t even make the comics...

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2P News Staff

Andy Killinger
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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Area entrepreneur opens combo geological services/food truck

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CALGARY, Alberta - Food trucks and food kiosks are commonplace along Calgary's busy Stephen Avenue Mall, along with a variety of restaurants, pubs, and lounges where you can get everything...

Dear Andy: How can my team still have fun this Stampede with no expense budget?

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Andy Killinger, 2P Staff CounselorDear Andy: "My name is Marvin McGlavin. I'm a 2nd-tier team lead at an intermediate oil and gas company in downtown Calgary. At a town hall last week the CEO told the entire staff that there's no corporate Stampede party this year and there is zero...

Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 3

Exploratory Well in British Columbia Strikes Oobleck

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VANCOUVER, British Columbia – Soose Exploration Co. of Surrey, BC reported that an exploratory well on the edge of the King Derwin Field in north central BC has struck...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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