12.6 C
Calgary
Monday, September 7, 2026

Breaking News

Top Story

Recent News

California Startup Wants Alberta Drivers to Pay by the Pound at the Pump

0
CALGARY, Alberta – Later this year, a new pricing initiative will soon be introduced in Alberta by a southern California-based climate/carbon think tank corporation. The company, Scaled Ltd, is an industrial weigh scale outfit that designs and manufacturers drive-over weigh scales for commercial transport traffic. In 2023, the company was acquired by Spark Transport. At that time, Spark was focused on a fleet of electric, hybrid, and hydrogen powered tractors for freight distribution. Through the merger, Spark was able...

Canada Sees Explosion in “Emotional Support Engineers” Following Mass Layoffs

0
OTTAWA - There is a trend sweeping across Canada where unemployed engineers are finding a new lease on life as full-time "Emotional Support Engineers," and things are really taking off. In fact, Statistics Canada reported just this morning that the country now has more Emotional Support Engineers than actual engineers currently employed in engineering. Calgary is the Epicentre of this Movement The trend reportedly began quietly in Calgary, where unemployed petroleum, software, mechanical, civil, and process engineers were first spotted standing...

Calgary-based NextMA Energy Begins Preparing Wells for Production in 75 Million Years

0
CALGARY, Alberta - While most oil and gas companies are focused on quarterly results, NextMA Energy Inc. (NME) has decided to think slightly further ahead by developing reservoirs that are expected to become commercially viable sometime around the next mass extinction event. NME (TSX-V: NMA) recently acquired surface rights across 87 townships in the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin with plans to begin drilling wells that are expected to become economically viable sometime shortly after humanity evolves into glowing telepathic...

Sorry in Advance: Alberta Oil Crew Politely Invades Kharg Island

0
KHARG ISLAND, Iran - In what experts are already calling “either a bold geopolitical maneuver or a long weekend gone catastrophically off-script,” 2P News has learned that a flotilla of Canadian oil and gas professionals has successfully arrived on the shores of Kharg Island, apparently intending to take over operations - politely. According to early morning satellite imagery and several confused naval observers, a convoy of pontoon boats and personal watercraft somehow threaded its way through heavily armed U.S. and...

Movie Reviews

More Recent News

2026 Darcy Awards Ceremony to Celebrate an Overwhelming Surplus of Oil and Gas Industry Incompetence

0
CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of...

Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

0
EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

0
CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

0
CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

0
CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack...

Top Ten Things Alberta Teachers Plan to Do If They’re Legislated Back to Work

0
EDMONTON, Alberta - As contract talks between the Alberta Teachers’ Association and the province hit the “we’ll-legislate-you-back” stage of negotiations, educators across the province are already preparing their battle...

PNG companies create Task Force to regulate coffee and lunch breaks

1
CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by the Calgary chapter of the Office Workers Behavioral Research Council has statistically proven what many oil and gas company executives have...

Bendovus Energy Hires Exploration Astrologer

2
CALGARY, Texas of the North - In an effort to improve its exploration well success rate, Calgary, Alberta-based Bendovus Energy recently hired Madam Olga Rasputin, the famous Astrologer to...

Ore Bodies Located with Bovinity Rays

2
EDMONTON, Alberta – A new methodology for locating subterranean ore bodies is taking Alberta mining districts by storm.  Development of the method began with the observation that in certain circumstances a herd of cattle will align themselves in parallel formations.  As the cattle move...

Toyota creates Prius Geologist Edition, can’t keep them in stock

3
TOYOTA CITY, Japan - The Toyota Motor Corporation announced today that it has released a special Prius Geologist Edition to the North American market, and dealers from coast-to-coast-to-coast are complaining that they cannot keep them in stock. That's thanks in large part to the...

BREAKING NEWS: Geophysicist Bre-X’d after 3 dry wells

1
CALGARY, Alberta - Breaking news this Monday morning here in Oil City.  A tragic death over the weekend has now been reclassified from an accident to a potential hate-related homicide. Tom Echoman, a geophysicist with Gravitywerks Resources, fell to his death Sunday evening at the...

Nuclear-Powered Brassiere Explodes During Seismic Survey

1
CALGARY, Alberta - Details of a horrible accident that occurred during a seismic survey in the Canadian Rockies near Banff came to light this morning. Ms. Gynica Buldycke was injured when a nuclear-powered brassiere she was wearing exploded. The bra was being used to...

Geophrenologist Claims Ability to Locate Oil and Gas

3
LOONEYTUNE, California - The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines phrenology as the study of the conformation of the skull based on the belief that it is indicative of mental faculties and character.  That is, the bumps and ridges that can be felt on a person’s skull...

Alberta Energy Regulator shuts down operations of company that drilled 1,342,849 metre long wildcat well

0
While the AER says there is very little risk to public safety, the stop production order was issued in an effort to protect the interests of other operators spanning the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin.  The Disassociated Press CALGARY, Alberta - Alberta's energy sector watchdog has put...

Elephant Hired as Exploration Geologist

0
HOUSTON, Texas – TexxonMogul announced today that it has hired its first pachyderm petroleum geologist.  The Indian elephant, who hails from Mumbai and goes by the name Alice, replaces the entire staff of exploration geologists in the Houston office.  A special area on the...

Geologists form independent professional association

3
CALGARY, Alberta - A group of 13 geologists in Alberta's largest city have made a stand against the ranks of TCEGWC (or The Collective of Engineers and Geoscientistologists of Western Canada) today, forming a new association exclusively for geologists. The move was prompted by a...

Calgary Weather

Calgary
overcast clouds
12.6 ° C
13.1 °
11.9 °
95%
1.5m/s
100%
Mon
13 °
Tue
22 °
Wed
24 °
Thu
23 °
Fri
14 °

2P News Staff

Andy Killinger
33 POSTS0 COMMENTS
Antoine McGuillicuddy
320 POSTS36 COMMENTS
Cynthia Redbush
93 POSTS0 COMMENTS
Dr. Darcy Flowman
280 POSTS301 COMMENTS
Gretel Foonberger
3 POSTS0 COMMENTS
Rodecker Smith
88 POSTS18 COMMENTS
Sir William Shortspeare
188 POSTS27 COMMENTS
Yu Mii
61 POSTS0 COMMENTS

Most Commented

Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

82
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

38
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

33
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

20
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Dear Andy: What’s the best way to cure a Stampede hangover?

4
Dear Andy: My name is Steve and I spent the last week being paraded around like a trophy catch by vendors who aren't really good at anything except buying drinks.  I feel like crap and I have work to do.  Can you help me find a cure for this damn...

Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 4

Hydraulic fracking is actually good for the environment: Pembina Cardium Institute

0
CALGARY, Alberta - Apart from hydraulic fracturing's ability to recover both crude oil and natural gas from shale deposits in large amounts, a recent study from the Pembina Cardium...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

3
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

1
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

8
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

13
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

33
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

12
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

4
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

7
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

6
The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

0
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

2
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

1
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

1
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

Random Articles

Most Commented