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California Startup Wants Alberta Drivers to Pay by the Pound at the Pump

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CALGARY, Alberta – Later this year, a new pricing initiative will soon be introduced in Alberta by a southern California-based climate/carbon think tank corporation. The company, Scaled Ltd, is an industrial weigh scale outfit that designs and manufacturers drive-over weigh scales for commercial transport traffic. In 2023, the company was acquired by Spark Transport. At that time, Spark was focused on a fleet of electric, hybrid, and hydrogen powered tractors for freight distribution. Through the merger, Spark was able...

Canada Sees Explosion in “Emotional Support Engineers” Following Mass Layoffs

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OTTAWA - There is a trend sweeping across Canada where unemployed engineers are finding a new lease on life as full-time "Emotional Support Engineers," and things are really taking off. In fact, Statistics Canada reported just this morning that the country now has more Emotional Support Engineers than actual engineers currently employed in engineering. Calgary is the Epicentre of this Movement The trend reportedly began quietly in Calgary, where unemployed petroleum, software, mechanical, civil, and process engineers were first spotted standing...

Calgary-based NextMA Energy Begins Preparing Wells for Production in 75 Million Years

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CALGARY, Alberta - While most oil and gas companies are focused on quarterly results, NextMA Energy Inc. (NME) has decided to think slightly further ahead by developing reservoirs that are expected to become commercially viable sometime around the next mass extinction event. NME (TSX-V: NMA) recently acquired surface rights across 87 townships in the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin with plans to begin drilling wells that are expected to become economically viable sometime shortly after humanity evolves into glowing telepathic...

Sorry in Advance: Alberta Oil Crew Politely Invades Kharg Island

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KHARG ISLAND, Iran - In what experts are already calling “either a bold geopolitical maneuver or a long weekend gone catastrophically off-script,” 2P News has learned that a flotilla of Canadian oil and gas professionals has successfully arrived on the shores of Kharg Island, apparently intending to take over operations - politely. According to early morning satellite imagery and several confused naval observers, a convoy of pontoon boats and personal watercraft somehow threaded its way through heavily armed U.S. and...

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2026 Darcy Awards Ceremony to Celebrate an Overwhelming Surplus of Oil and Gas Industry Incompetence

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CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of...

Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack...

EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Bendovus Energy to build new Ivy League type campus

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a move that has surprised nobody, including its pompous, self-important staff, Bendovus Energy announced today plans to build an office campus in the traditional style...

Long Island Medium star consults for Cheaterson Energy in Texas

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DALLAS, Texas - Theresa Caputo, star of TLC's hit reality TV show Long Island Medium, recently signed a 12 month contract with Cheaterson Energy to consult, and assist with...

The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists scales down 2019 Technical Conference

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists (ACEG) has formally announced that it will scale down its spring 2019 Technical Convention and Expo scheduled for March 5th, 2018 in order to streamline costs. This year's event will be held in the more...

Canadian Space Agency sending geologists to Mars and the Moon to study space rocks

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VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Early on the morning of September 30th, 2018, the sky near Cape Couveral, BC, will light up as the United Alliance Geo IV Very Heavy spacecraft will thunder into space carrying a shortbus-sized transporter with 37 geologists from across Canada.  ...

Fat geologists perform better than thin geologists: Study

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a landmark 20-year study, the Canadian Institute of Corpulence in Rotund, Manitoba revealed that well-upholstered geologists performed their tasks marginally better than underweight ones, after making statistical corrections for age, experience and IQ. The lead consulting researcher for the study, the...

Alberta Energy Regulator shuts down operations of company that drilled 1,342,849 metre long wildcat well

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While the AER says there is very little risk to public safety, the stop production order was issued in an effort to protect the interests of other operators spanning the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin.  The Disassociated Press CALGARY, Alberta - Alberta's energy sector watchdog has put...

Getting Stoned

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CALGARY, Alberta – A blue ribbon committee of the World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) has released its recommendation to the full membership to revamp the classification system for stones.  A vote to accept or reject the report will be taken at the next...

A geologist and his maps

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CALGARY, Alberta - In the fading light of what was an amazing final oil boom, geologists in Alberta, specifically Calgary, are suffering. Long gone are the days when their intricate Crayola skills are admired and honored. Today, most of these scientific artworks are collecting...

BREAKING NEWS: Geophysicist Bre-X’d after 3 dry wells

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CALGARY, Alberta - Breaking news this Monday morning here in Oil City.  A tragic death over the weekend has now been reclassified from an accident to a potential hate-related homicide. Tom Echoman, a geophysicist with Gravitywerks Resources, fell to his death Sunday evening at the...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new set of specialty geology crayons for mapping, coloring, sketching, and doodling just about anything to...

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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Study: Global warming linked to Sun

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CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...

Area entrepreneur opens combo geological services/food truck

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CALGARY, Alberta - Food trucks and food kiosks are commonplace along Calgary's busy Stephen Avenue Mall, along with a variety of restaurants, pubs, and lounges where you can get everything...

Dear Andy: What’s the best way to cure a Stampede hangover?

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Dear Andy: My name is Steve and I spent the last week being paraded around like a trophy catch by vendors who aren't really good at anything except buying drinks.  I feel like crap and I have work to do.  Can you help me find a cure for this damn...

Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 2

Notley Government: We don’t need pipelines, OIL FLOATS!

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New petroleum transport mechanism will revolutionize the midstream industry. Concept has special interest eco-terrorists group members quaking in their hemp-laced Birkenstocks. EDMONTON, Alberta - Trans American Global Pipeline LLC...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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