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California Startup Wants Alberta Drivers to Pay by the Pound at the Pump

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CALGARY, Alberta – Later this year, a new pricing initiative will soon be introduced in Alberta by a southern California-based climate/carbon think tank corporation. The company, Scaled Ltd, is an industrial weigh scale outfit that designs and manufacturers drive-over weigh scales for commercial transport traffic. In 2023, the company was acquired by Spark Transport. At that time, Spark was focused on a fleet of electric, hybrid, and hydrogen powered tractors for freight distribution. Through the merger, Spark was able...

Canada Sees Explosion in “Emotional Support Engineers” Following Mass Layoffs

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OTTAWA - There is a trend sweeping across Canada where unemployed engineers are finding a new lease on life as full-time "Emotional Support Engineers," and things are really taking off. In fact, Statistics Canada reported just this morning that the country now has more Emotional Support Engineers than actual engineers currently employed in engineering. Calgary is the Epicentre of this Movement The trend reportedly began quietly in Calgary, where unemployed petroleum, software, mechanical, civil, and process engineers were first spotted standing...

Calgary-based NextMA Energy Begins Preparing Wells for Production in 75 Million Years

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CALGARY, Alberta - While most oil and gas companies are focused on quarterly results, NextMA Energy Inc. (NME) has decided to think slightly further ahead by developing reservoirs that are expected to become commercially viable sometime around the next mass extinction event. NME (TSX-V: NMA) recently acquired surface rights across 87 townships in the Western Canadian Sedimentary Basin with plans to begin drilling wells that are expected to become economically viable sometime shortly after humanity evolves into glowing telepathic...

Sorry in Advance: Alberta Oil Crew Politely Invades Kharg Island

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KHARG ISLAND, Iran - In what experts are already calling “either a bold geopolitical maneuver or a long weekend gone catastrophically off-script,” 2P News has learned that a flotilla of Canadian oil and gas professionals has successfully arrived on the shores of Kharg Island, apparently intending to take over operations - politely. According to early morning satellite imagery and several confused naval observers, a convoy of pontoon boats and personal watercraft somehow threaded its way through heavily armed U.S. and...

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2026 Darcy Awards Ceremony to Celebrate an Overwhelming Surplus of Oil and Gas Industry Incompetence

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CALGARY, AB — In a shocking but entirely predictable turn of events, organizers of the Darcy Awards have announced Part II of the ceremony, citing “an overwhelming surplus of...

Province Says Emotional Connection to Oil Expected to Close Deficit by ‘Feeling Q4 Differently’

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Facing a stubborn multi-billion-dollar deficit, the Government of Alberta unveiled a bold fiscal recovery plan Tuesday: developing a deeper emotional connection to oil. The strategy, titled Hydrocarbon...

Alberta program promises to deliver emissions reduction pathway for committed environmentalists after they die

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CALGARY — In what officials describe as a “post-mortem emissions-reduction pathway for committed environmentalists,” the Calgary Center for Creative Cremation (CCCC) confirmed Monday that it will begin offering Alberta’s...

Calgary City Council Announces New Public Transit Programs for Q1 2026

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary city council has announced a number of new public transit programs to be implemented early in 2026. These programs aim to improve transit user experience...

Engineers Ditch Corporate Life, Launch Calgary’s First Mobile Oil & Gas Consulting Food Truck

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CALGARY, AB — Proving once again that the oilpatch remains the beating heart of questionable innovation, two Calgary engineers have quit their corporate jobs to launch Frack n' Snack...

EXCLUSIVE: ATA President Announces Plan to Hire Unemployed Oilfield Workers to Help Teachers Navigate Back-to-Work Chaos

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By Cynthia Redbush | 2P News – Education, Petroleum, and Paper Cuts Division EDMONTON, AB - Following their government-forced return to classrooms, Alberta teachers are adapting to new realities with an...

Geologists to host 2020 Energy Conference in Condo

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CALGARY, Alberta - 2020 has been a very difficult year for oil and gas professionals in western Canada. Major projects and investment in the industry continue to dwindle across...

VIP only Stampede bash revealed

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Calgary Stampede is a staple of Albertan and Canadian culture for many, and 2014 will undoubtedly be no exception for The Greatest Outdoor Show on...

Massive Asteroid to Strike Earth; Geologists Delighted

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PASADENA, Texas - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration held a press conference today warning of an imminent collision between Earth and a massive asteroid. According to a handout, the asteroid, dubbed BAR-2015a (Big-Ass Rock, first discovery of 2015), is now 7,040,000,000 cubits from...

Docilite Can Be Replaced With Borite!

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CALGARY, Alberta – In a much-appreciated scientific breakthrough, scientists at the University of Calgary announced that they have discovered that the mineral borite is just as effective as docilite in maintaining civility among Canadian citizens.  The good news is that there is a massive...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a geology professional takes liberties with this interpretation that can end up being very costly. This article reports a case to that...

UN Bans Geoscientists from All Social Media Platforms Internationally

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North America, Earth - With recent developments and controversies surrounding the truth, science, and political opinion, large swaths of ideas and knowledge are being purged from social media platforms worldwide.  The latest such eradication comes as all geoscientists on the planet have been removed...

Geologist Stirs Controversy with Revolutionary “Under-Superposition” Stratigraphy Theory

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a stunning twist to the field of geology, Dr. Hamilton Flipova, the chief geoscientist at the lesser-known Rock Bottom Institute located in Edmonton, Alberta, has made waves with his groundbreaking theory that the oldest geologic formations actually lie above the...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new set of specialty geology crayons for mapping, coloring, sketching, and doodling just about anything to...

The world’s largest crayon maker is being sued by geologists, here’s why

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CALGARY, Alberta - The head of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Geologists has filed a complaint in the consumer court against one of the world's largest crayon manufacturers over a washable product that he claims, "destroyed countless hours of geological work." The stationery that allegedly...

Study: Rectilinear contouring eliminates need for geologists

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CALGARY, Alberta - Calgary-based Bendovus Energy recently fired all of its geologists when a task force of engineers undertook an informal study that proved geological maps made just as much sense with rectilinear contouring as they do with the traditional curvilinear contouring. The leader...

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Andy Killinger
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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Study: Global warming linked to Sun

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CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...

Dear Andy: I’m being called back to the office, but I want to keep working from home. HELP!!!

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Dear Andy: "My name is Sunshine P. and I’m a junior geophysicist for a Vancouver-based startup E&P company looking to explore for dry gas in western Canada. My employer recently forced staff back to the office, but I’d much rather work from home as I’ve been doing for the last...

Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 4

Crude oil holds inaugural state of the industry press conference

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HOUSTON, Texas – In a very rare appearance on short notice at the Alamo Plaza in San Antonio, Texas, Crude Oil took the microphone to tell the North American oil and...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon Two white-collar...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...

Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Redford considers new royalty of a flat 100%

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EDMONTON, Alberta - Premier Alison Redford and her cabinet are considering changing Alberta's oil and gas royalty scheme once again. On this incarnation of the royalty structure, she proposes to simplify the mathematics by imposing a 100% royalty on all oil and gas volumes produced in the province of...

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