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A New Detail on Federal Environment Minister’s Green Energy Corridor Plan Revealed

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OTTAWA, Ontario: Federal Environment Minister, Steven Guilbeault, has proclaimed he is not in favour of more oil and gas infrastructure across Canada, but rather a green energy corridor to supply the rest of Canada with Quebec, Ontario, and Manitoba’s hydropower.  This Green Energy Corridor (GEP) is his dream, and while definitely a piece of a Trans-Canada Energy plan, it does miss the mark of inclusion - as in including all aspects of Canada's energy capability. While researching information about this...

Calgary-area Landman Accidentally Solves Quantum Gravity Over Ribeye and Red Wine

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Disassociated Press. Three-minute read, unless you are a geologist then you're looking at about 2 hours with help, and 3 hours without it. Calgary, AB — In what physicists world-wide are calling "the most significant scientific breakthrough of the century," a mid-level landman from Alberta’s oil patch has single-handedly solved one of the longest-standing and most difficult problems in physics - to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity. Perhaps the most amazing part of this feat is that he did...

Canadian Hutterites Pledge to Save Canada’s Food Supply from Trump’s Tariffs

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Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of Canada—including maple syrup, hockey sticks, and even those weird Ketchup chips—Canadian Hutterites have unveiled a bold plan to stick it to the Americans while feeding the nation: A continent-spanning network of 1,500 hydroponic megadomes, each the size of a Costco parking lot, powered by pure Canadian stubbornness and just a little...

Ottawa leans on Alberta to bolster southern border in case of military invasion from...

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OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become the 51st state of the union, the Canadian government has enlisted the help of Alberta's oil and gas industry to help prepare Canada for an attack from the US. "We're Canadian, so we're not looking for trouble," said Alberta Premier Danielle Smith while sporting a custom maple-leaf lapel pin made from...

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Canada Post to team up with oil and gas industry to get back into the black

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OTTAWA, Ontario - In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal...

Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash” to Canada

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Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the...

5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II

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Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was...

Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports

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Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge...

2P News Stock Surges on Laugh Production Boom, Hiring Frenzy Expected

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Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence...

OmniCore Energy’s BeamStream™ technology to revolutionize oil and gas upstream, midstream, retail, and emissions sectors

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HOUSTON, TX — In an eagerly anticipated press conference this morning, Houston-based OmniTech Energy Services unveiled what it calls BeamSteam™, a technology straight out of Star Trek that promises...

Happy Fourth of July to America

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On July 4th, 1776, the United States of America declared independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain (now officially known as Great Britain). By July 4th, 2015, the United States of...

Geneticist launches canola crop that may topple Saskatchewan oil exports

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SASKATOON, Saskatchewan - A recently dismissed genetic crop scientist with degrees in genetics, agricultural botany, computer engineering, and a recent MBA, has made a agricultural breakthrough that is shocking...

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Unemployed Petroleum Professionals Technical Conference coming to Calgary this summer!

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Canadian Society of Unemployed Petroleum Professionals (CSUPP) is hosting its inaugural Technical Conference & Exhibition this summer. The society, whose membership has steadily grown by upwards of 1,247 per cent per year since early 2015, believes that this is an...

SmartDart™: New Oil & Gas Exploration Tool

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CALGARY, Alberta – A newly formed company, Random Eyes LLC, based in Houston has announced a product that it claims will revolutionize exploration for oil and gas.  It is well known that geologists employ pub darts thrown at a map to determine most drilling...

The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists scales down 2019 Technical Conference

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists (ACEG) has formally announced that it will scale down its spring 2019 Technical Convention and Expo scheduled for March 5th, 2018 in order to streamline costs. This year's event will be held in the more...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new set of specialty geology crayons for mapping, coloring, sketching, and doodling just about anything to...

AI decodes what oil and gas professionals really mean when they talk: Part 1

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EDMONTON, Alberta - AI chatbots, such as ChatGPT, are great fun, but they also have very practical uses. For example, it can create bespoke resumes, craft some pretty good jokes about geologists, explain complex topics, solve some pretty difficult math problems, and even provide...

Geologists can perform basic arithmetic, study says: ‘We engineers are not the only sophisticated ones’

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The peanut-shaped brain of a geologist is roughly the size of 2 or 3 medium sized chicken wings. It contains fewer than 1 thousand synapses, while the human brain contains over 100 billion. A team of neuroscientists is asking what all those extra nerve cells...

Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff

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CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night. Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within an inch of his life after a Measurement While Drilling technician assaulted him with a...

Area geologist undertakes huge mapping project

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ROCKY MOUNTAIN HOUSE, Alberta - Airplane hangars.  They are not typically associated with oil and gas other than they are sometimes strategically placed near remote oilfields and work camps for shuttling employees and contractors.  But an exploration company building 4 of its own within...

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Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid

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HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...

Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury

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RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history.  Deep Thrust...

Study: Global warming linked to Sun

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CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...

Area entrepreneur opens combo geological services/food truck

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CALGARY, Alberta - Food trucks and food kiosks are commonplace along Calgary's busy Stephen Avenue Mall, along with a variety of restaurants, pubs, and lounges where you can get everything...

Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 2

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  Dear Andy, Times are tough in the oil business and I’m still employed but I really need a raise.  How can I ask the boss for one in today's circumstances? Broke in Edmonton Dear Broke, If you’re a geologist, find some oil.  If you’re an engineer, build something that doesn’t explode.  If you’re...

Montreal eco-startup to build first-of-its-kind 175MW wind farm just outside of Sylvan Lake, Alberta

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RED DEER, Alberta - Montreal eco-tech startup, Tabarnak Putain Calice Energy (TPCE) has announced today the start of construction of Connard Merde, a wind project in Red Deer County,...

Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil

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CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...

GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making

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CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...

Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot

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CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...

No pipelines, no trains, just Ass

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HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak.  Got it.  Trains derail.  Got it.  So what is the...

Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons

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CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...

HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys

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CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...

Former oil company executive relegated to greeter

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CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...

Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map

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HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...

Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review

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The Bottom Line This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts. Director-Screenwriter Francis Birch Cast Brad...

Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story

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Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...

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Back in the Day

Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.

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Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...

Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density

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CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose. So get this, she had...

Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee

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CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again. Well, I typically don't go...

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