Recent News
Suck Off Oilfield Services Revolutionizes Industry with New ‘Ball Sucker 2000™’ Technology
Leduc’s latest innovation aims to suck harder, faster, and more efficiently than anyone else in the patch.
Leduc, Alberta – In a bold leap forward for the oil and gas sector, Suck Off Oilfield Services, a proudly Albertan company with a not-so-subtle name and an even less subtle mission, has unveiled its newest piece of proprietary technology: the Ball Sucker 2000™.
Designed to tackle a surprisingly common and awkward issue in hydraulic fracturing—when completion balls are dropped in the wrong order...
Canadian Oil Giants Plan Record-Breaking Retaliatory Well in Response to Trump’s Tariffs
CALGARY, AB – In a bold and unprecedented response to U.S. President Donald J. Trump’s sweeping tariffs levied on Canadian goods yesterday, a coalition of oil and gas companies has announced plans to drill what they are calling a “special retaliatory well” spanning the majority of Alberta and Saskatchewan.
The consortium, spearheaded by Calgary-based Bendovus Energy, includes Whitecrap Resources, PeopleMINUS Corporation, BARC Resources, Morning Wood Energy, and Coatex Energy Services. The industry leaders claim the well is not only an act...
A New Detail on Federal Environment Minister’s Green Energy Corridor Plan Revealed
OTTAWA, Ontario: Federal Environment Minister, Steven Guilbeault, has proclaimed he is not in favour of more oil and gas infrastructure across Canada, but rather a green energy corridor to supply the rest of Canada with Quebec, Ontario, and Manitoba’s hydropower. This Green Energy Corridor (GEP) is his dream, and while definitely a piece of a Trans-Canada Energy plan, it does miss the mark of inclusion - as in including all aspects of Canada's energy capability.
While researching information about this...
Calgary-area Landman Accidentally Solves Quantum Gravity Over Ribeye and Red Wine
Disassociated Press. Three-minute read, unless you are a geologist then you're looking at about 2 hours with help, and 3 hours without it.
Calgary, AB — In what physicists world-wide are calling "the most significant scientific breakthrough of the century," a mid-level landman from Alberta’s oil patch has single-handedly solved one of the longest-standing and most difficult problems in physics - to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity. Perhaps the most amazing part of this feat is that he did...
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Recent News
Canadian Hutterites Pledge to Save Canada’s Food Supply from Trump’s Tariffs
Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose
Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of...
Ottawa leans on Alberta to bolster southern border in case of military invasion from the U.S.
OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become...
Dragline Logistics Announces Nationwide 100% Electric Freight System
EDMONTON, Alberta - In a bold move that could either revolutionize transportation or set us all back to the 1800s (minus the charm), an Edmonton-based startup has unveiled its...
Canada Post to team up with oil and gas industry to get back into the black
OTTAWA, Ontario - In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal...
Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash” to Canada
Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the...
5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II
Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was...
Unique New Reservoir Simulator Now Available
WASHINGTON, D. C. - No Such Agency Software (NSAS), headquartered in Fort Meade, Maryland announced that a new oil and gas reservoir simulation package, named WhatchaHydin?, with some very...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
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New-age energy startup struggles with well identity
The Disassociated Press | 3 minute read
CALGARY, Alberta - A Nelson, BC oil and gas exploration company that drilled its first 5-well pad 3 months ago, is having a hard time getting them to produce at economical rates. In fact, the company has reported...
Geologic Time Scale Revised
AUSTIN, Texas – It’s no secret that with the massive downturn in the oil and gas industry enrolment in the geosciences departments of most universities has fallen to near zero. This has left departments scrambling to attract students at any cost. The University of...
2P News to join ISS as Russia plans to pull out
CALGARY, Alberta - Russia says it will put out of the International Space Station after 2024 and build its own orbiter. NASA considering 2P Space Agency as a replacement.
Space agencies from the US, Russia, and other partner countries have successfully worked on the ISS...
The world’s largest crayon maker is being sued by geologists, here’s why
CALGARY, Alberta - The head of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Geologists has filed a complaint in the consumer court against one of the world's largest crayon manufacturers over a washable product that he claims, "destroyed countless hours of geological work."
The stationery that allegedly...
BREAKING NEWS: Geophysicist Bre-X’d after 3 dry wells
CALGARY, Alberta - Breaking news this Monday morning here in Oil City. A tragic death over the weekend has now been reclassified from an accident to a potential hate-related homicide.
Tom Echoman, a geophysicist with Gravitywerks Resources, fell to his death Sunday evening at the...
Problem geologists need help: WOOPS
EDMONTON, Alberta - In response to the sorry state of affairs in the profession of petroleum geology, the World Organization of Petroleum Societies (WOOPS) conducted a seminar in Edmonton, Alberta to address the issues both great and small affecting the oil and gas industry....
The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists scales down 2019 Technical Conference
CALGARY, Alberta - The Association of Canadian Exploration Geoscientists (ACEG) has formally announced that it will scale down its spring 2019 Technical Convention and Expo scheduled for March 5th, 2018 in order to streamline costs. This year's event will be held in the more...
Company cuts core along entire HZ leg of well to confirm in-zone drilling
FORT NELSON, British Columbia - Share price plummeted this week for junior oil and gas operator Short Run Energy, as news of an experimental and failed well reached investors and the media. The well, dubbed the "Solid Core Wildcat", was located in the WCSB...
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new...
Study: Global warming linked to Sun
CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...
Andy’s Mail Bag: Part 4
Dear Andy,
I’ve read most of your articles here on 2P News and I must say you are one sorry excuse for a human being. You seem to hate everybody. I know this is a fake news site just like Fox News, so what I want to know is: Are...
Wandering river man strikes gold with mobile toilets
FORT ST. JOHN, British Columbia - Mike Canmoraine is raking in the cash after starting up a new style of 'portal-potty' business in remote areas of western Canada. Regulations...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at PetroGlobal Scientific Inc. have created and patented a process...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been able to find rather strong correlations between various sexual...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is open to interpretation. But every now and again, a...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the answer to the oil transportation woes of our continent? ...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered in downtown Calgary recently developed and conducted an internal...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for oilsand producers in Northern Alberta, and Bendovus Energy is...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool Resources, inadvertently stumbled across a potential new type of...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Reese Witherspoon
Two white-collar...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in Weyburn, Saskatchewan on a stormy night in the fall...
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Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again.
Well, I typically don't go...
