Recent News
Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports
Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge the impending tariffs that will be imposed by newly elected U.S. President Donald Trump in Q1 2025. Rather than sending Alberta oil through pipelines or rail—both subject to tariffs—Smith has announced an ambitious plan to float crude oil down the continent’s waterways, naturally drifting them south to U.S. refineries.
Smith, standing...
2P News Stock Surges on Laugh Production Boom, Hiring Frenzy Expected
Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high
Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year
Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence with hiring spree
CALGARY, Alberta – In a shocking turnaround that left analysts chuckling in disbelief, shares of 2P News (ToPee.TSX) skyrocketed over 200% today after the company reported a record-breaking third quarter, with laughs-per-share up by 145% and reader engagement reaching what they call “historic giggle heights.”
“This is the kind...
OmniCore Energy’s BeamStream™ technology to revolutionize oil and gas upstream, midstream, retail, and emissions...
HOUSTON, TX — In an eagerly anticipated press conference this morning, Houston-based OmniTech Energy Services unveiled what it calls BeamSteam™, a technology straight out of Star Trek that promises to eradicate the need for drilling well bores, building pipelines, and even skips the gasoline retail sector. This revolutionary technology promises to beam oil directly from subsurface reservoirs to refineries, where the finished product is then beamed straight into your vehicle's fuel tank - via an smartphone app.
“Why waste time...
Geologist Stirs Controversy with Revolutionary “Under-Superposition” Stratigraphy Theory
CALGARY, Alberta - In a stunning twist to the field of geology, Dr. Hamilton Flipova, the chief geoscientist at the lesser-known Rock Bottom Institute located in Edmonton, Alberta, has made waves with his groundbreaking theory that the oldest geologic formations actually lie above the younger ones in the stratigraphic chart. His thesis, which he refers to as “Reverse Stratigraphy,” has left his peers confused, skeptical, and mildly amused.
“It's simple," Dr. Flipova explained at a recent GeoConvention conference, during which...
Movie Reviews
Recent News
Top 12 Oil and Gas Rumours Abound for 2025
CALGARY, Alberta - As 2025 nears, Western Canada’s oil and gas sector is buzzing with wild rumours. From “eco-friendly fracking” using tofu-based lubricants to Alberta towns converting Timbits into...
Next Millenia Energy looking to wow investors with long-range development plans
CALGARY, Alberta - Saskatoon-based Next Millenia Energy Inc. (TSX: NME) has recently acquired surface rights in 87 townships in the WCSB, planning a very unique oil and gas play....
Alberta’s Project Dawn Discovery aims to help identify and reduce methane leaks
CALGARY, Alberta - Project Dawn Discovery, the unofficial nickname for a new Alberta energy and sustainability initiative created in conjunction with its energy regulatory arm, the Alberta Oil and...
Engineer comes “out of the cooler,” shocks friends and wider oil and gas community
CALGARY, Alberta – In a revelation that has rocked Alberta’s oil patch more than a 17,874,232,981,842.6 nanolitre pipeline spill, longtime senior reservoir engineer Lou Zarr bravely confessed this week...
Saskatoon-based FizzBang H20 shakes up the energy industry
RED DEER, Alberta – In a shocking twist that has left the Canadian energy sector fizzing with excitement, Regina-based beverage titan FizzBang H2O announced today that it has acquired...
Open-pit oil and gas mining coming to Alberta by 2025 Q1
OTTAWA, Ontario – The Canadian oil and gas industry is notorious for its complex and costly techniques, requiring a PhD to understand and an even bigger wallet to execute....
Trudeau demands apology from Sony CEO for inappropriately naming its popular 1980s portable cassette player
OTTAWA, Ontario - Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has formally requested an apology from the current CEO of Japan-based Sony Corporation for the use of the word “man” in the...
Calgary-based Morning Wood Resources stock price is up amid stiff competition
EDMONTON, Alberta - Morning Wood Resources (TSX: MWR) posted the chubbiest quarterly adjusted profit of any listed company on the TSX driven very high crude oil prices and swelling...
AI decodes what oil and gas professionals really mean when they talk: Part 1
EDMONTON, Alberta - AI chatbots, such as ChatGPT, are great fun, but they also have very practical uses. For example, it can create bespoke resumes, craft some pretty good jokes about geologists, explain complex topics, solve some pretty difficult math problems, and even provide...
Toyota creates Prius Geologist Edition, can’t keep them in stock
TOYOTA CITY, Japan - The Toyota Motor Corporation announced today that it has released a special Prius Geologist Edition to the North American market, and dealers from coast-to-coast-to-coast are complaining that they cannot keep them in stock. That's thanks in large part to the...
Scientists mathematically prove that geologists are absolute idiots
GENEVA, Switzerland - Scientists at the Fribourg University of Cardinal Knowledge have just proven that geologists (and all other geo"scientists") are complete idiots. This finding confirms, mathematically, what many people have believed for decades. The study was undertaken by the university's Department of Behavioural...
Breaking News! New seismic wave discovered
CLEVELAND, Ohio - A group of scientists at the Earth Motion Laboratory in Shaker Heights, Ohio announced today the discovery of a new type of seismic wave that they have dubbed the Stadium Wave.
In most cases, announcements like this don’t even make the comics...
Geologists can perform basic arithmetic, study says: ‘We engineers are not the only sophisticated ones’
The peanut-shaped brain of a geologist is roughly the size of 2 or 3 medium sized chicken wings. It contains fewer than 1 thousand synapses, while the human brain contains over 100 billion.
A team of neuroscientists is asking what all those extra nerve cells...
Breaking News: Suspects stowaway on SpaceEX rocket planning to access moon for oil exploration
ORLANDO, Florida – Seven security guards at Cape Canaveral Air Force Base were assaulted by 4 suspects who forced entry into a SpaceEX rocket with plans to commandeer the satellite within it in an effort to secure a trip to the moon for oil...
Pegmatites Declared Noxious Rocks
CALGARY, Alberta - In a surprise move during a press conference at the annual convention of the International Society of Geological Trivia (ISGT) in Calgary, it was declared that a class of igneous rocks known as pegmatites are noxious. Society president Philbert Todestuhl first had...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the patterns required in CandyCrush and Tetris to oil and gas plays, has designed a new set of specialty geology crayons for mapping, coloring, sketching, and doodling just about anything to...
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
Area entrepreneur opens combo geological services/food truck
CALGARY, Alberta - Food trucks and food kiosks are commonplace along Calgary's busy Stephen Avenue Mall, along with a variety of restaurants, pubs, and lounges where you can get everything...
Andy’s Mail Bag
Dear Andy,
I’m a truck driver in Williston, North Dakota. Things ain’t going so good in the oil fields around here and I’m thinking it might be time to move on. Trouble is, I’ve got this girlfriend and she might be pregnant. What I want to do is just leave...
Wandering river man strikes gold with mobile toilets
FORT ST. JOHN, British Columbia - Mike Canmoraine is raking in the cash after starting up a new style of 'portal-potty' business in remote areas of western Canada. Regulations...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...
Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again.
Well, I typically don't go...
