Recent News
A New Detail on Federal Environment Minister’s Green Energy Corridor Plan Revealed
OTTAWA, Ontario: Federal Environment Minister, Steven Guilbeault, has proclaimed he is not in favour of more oil and gas infrastructure across Canada, but rather a green energy corridor to supply the rest of Canada with Quebec, Ontario, and Manitoba’s hydropower. This Green Energy Corridor (GEP) is his dream, and while definitely a piece of a Trans-Canada Energy plan, it does miss the mark of inclusion - as in including all aspects of Canada's energy capability.
While researching information about this...
Calgary-area Landman Accidentally Solves Quantum Gravity Over Ribeye and Red Wine
Disassociated Press. Three-minute read, unless you are a geologist then you're looking at about 2 hours with help, and 3 hours without it.
Calgary, AB — In what physicists world-wide are calling "the most significant scientific breakthrough of the century," a mid-level landman from Alberta’s oil patch has single-handedly solved one of the longest-standing and most difficult problems in physics - to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity. Perhaps the most amazing part of this feat is that he did...
Canadian Hutterites Pledge to Save Canada’s Food Supply from Trump’s Tariffs
Request $200 Billion, Unlimited Diesel, and a Herd of Guard Moose
Ottawa, ON — As President Donald J. Trump prepares to slap a 25% tariff on everything coming out of Canada—including maple syrup, hockey sticks, and even those weird Ketchup chips—Canadian Hutterites have unveiled a bold plan to stick it to the Americans while feeding the nation:
A continent-spanning network of 1,500 hydroponic megadomes, each the size of a Costco parking lot, powered by pure Canadian stubbornness and just a little...
Ottawa leans on Alberta to bolster southern border in case of military invasion from...
OTTAWA—In a stunning response to recent rhetoric from U.S. President-elect Donald Trump, who hinted at “stronger measures that might involve the military” against Canada for its reluctance to become the 51st state of the union, the Canadian government has enlisted the help of Alberta's oil and gas industry to help prepare Canada for an attack from the US.
"We're Canadian, so we're not looking for trouble," said Alberta Premier Danielle Smith while sporting a custom maple-leaf lapel pin made from...
Movie Reviews
Recent News
Dragline Logistics Announces Nationwide 100% Electric Freight System
EDMONTON, Alberta - In a bold move that could either revolutionize transportation or set us all back to the 1800s (minus the charm), an Edmonton-based startup has unveiled its...
Canada Post to team up with oil and gas industry to get back into the black
OTTAWA, Ontario - In a last ditch attempt to transform its financial woes into black (gold), Canada Post has unveiled a plan to ship bitumen through its regular postal...
Justin Trudeau Threatens 75% Tariff on U.S. Imports Unless Americans Stop Exporting “Cultural Trash” to Canada
Ottawa, Canada – Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau held an emergency press conference today to announce an unprecedented ultimatum to the United States: either improve the quality of the...
5 things everybody should know about engineers, Part II
Back in February, 2014, 2P News published an article called 5 things everybody should know about engineers, which appeared to really strike a chord with readers because it was...
Alberta Premier Smith finds loophole in pending U.S. tariffs on oil exports
Edmonton, AB – November 8, 2024 - In what many are calling a historic "innovation" in international trade, Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has discovered a creative workaround to dodge...
2P News Stock Surges on Laugh Production Boom, Hiring Frenzy Expected
Laughs-per-share up 145%, chortles and knee-slappers at all-time high
Sombrero-tipping value over debt adjusted laugh flow up 71% year-over-year
Top brass look to capitalize on unexpected comedy resurgence...
Top ten Geological and Engineering names for 2022
CALGARY, Alberta - Popular names have a way of planting themselves in hearts all over. They're relevant and indicative of the most amazing time in your life - when...
Neil Young secretly plans hostile oilsands takeover
EDMONTON, Alberta - Neil Young has made headlines around the world in recent days, bad mouthing the Alberta oil sands, slagging the people it supports, and in some media...
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AI decodes what oil and gas professionals really mean when they talk: Part 1
EDMONTON, Alberta - AI chatbots, such as ChatGPT, are great fun, but they also have very practical uses. For example, it can create bespoke resumes, craft some pretty good jokes about geologists, explain complex topics, solve some pretty difficult math problems, and even provide...
Alberta-developed CCR technology to avert planet earth’s next glaciation event
EDMONTON, Alberta - Roughly 700 million years ago, before multicellular animals emerged or plants made their way to land, Earth was plunged into an ice age that lasted for 57 million years. Now, a group of Alberta geologists believe they have figured out exactly...
Casket Wars Canada reality TV show sweeping the nation
CALGARY, Alberta - From the network that brought you Storage Wars and 27 & Counting, B&E's brand new reality TV show, Casket Wars Canada, is sweeping the nation and making many loyal fans along the way. Casket Wars is broadcast Wednesdays on CPAC and...
5 Things everyone should know about geologists (Part II)
<This article was originally published sometime in 2014, but after making some changes to it (based on feedback from some angry readers), it is being re-published today. Enjoy.>
EVERYWHERE, Known Universe – The word geologist is derived from the modern Latin geologia, from Greek gē ‘earth’ + -logia, meaning the study...
NDP to offer Canadian geologists full pension to retire
OTTAWA, Ontario - Early this morning, at a small video press conference with Premier Notley, the federal and Alberta provincial leaders were proposing ideas on how to get their way with oil and gas, the oilsands, and pipelines. One such idea seemed to get the...
Single use plastic disposal can stop tectonic shift: Red Deer Start-Up Company
CALGARY, Alberta - The Government of Canada introduced the Single-Use Plastics Prohibition Regulations (SUPPR) some time ago in an effort to address pollution and meet its target of zero plastic waste by 2030. What does this mean for you? Well, I'm sure by now...
Laptop Computer Modified for Geologists
LOS ANGELES, California - Silicon Magic Inc. (SMI) of Palo Mino, California announced a line of specialty laptop computers designed especially for earth scientists. It is the first of what may become a series of computers modified for the needs of specific professions. Mr....
A geologist and his maps
CALGARY, Alberta - In the fading light of what was an amazing final oil boom, geologists in Alberta, specifically Calgary, are suffering. Long gone are the days when their intricate Crayola skills are admired and honored. Today, most of these scientific artworks are collecting...
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Calgary Weather
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2P News Staff
Most Commented
Houston area man drills well in backyard, charges laid
HOUSTON, Texas - A Sugar Land, TX man and his neighbour are in police custody after the duo drilled an unauthorized gas well in the backyard of one of...
Geologist assaulted for teasing MWD staff
CALGARY, Alberta - A senior wellsite geologist has been hospitalized after a violent incident on a drilling rig in northern Alberta last night.
Ricky Rockerson was violently beaten to within...
Crustal drilling project results in Volcano near Didsbury
RED DEER, Alberta - Central Alberta was thrust into chaos this morning when a deep test well may have instigated the first active volcano in Alberta's history. Deep Thrust...
Study: Global warming linked to Sun
CALGARY, Alberta - A recent study conducted by a group of scientists assembled and funded by a consortium of major oil and gas producers has concluded that climate change...
Dear Andy: I suffer from stage fright taking a pee at work, what should I do?
Dear Andy:
My name is Adam. I am Joint Venture Representative at a mid-size operator in Calgary. Ever since I was a teenager, I would get very nervous taking a pee unless I was the only one around. Things were fine at work until they shutdown the stalls in the washroom for 3 months of...
Hovercraft skirts road ban, drilling continues
PORTLAND, Oregon - Sneakypete Oil Company of Bellylint, Oregon has been developing a recent oil discovery in northern California but has encountered resistance from a nearby municipality, even though...
Scientists invent a process to convert formation water into light oil
CALGARY, Alberta - In a remarkable scientific breakthrough, 2 scientists from the research labs at...
GeoPhone App used to record the seismology of love-making
CALGARY, Alberta - Junior geophysicist and sexual deviant, Dustin "boom boom" Weaver, has remarkably been...
Geologist finds a strong best fit through an amorphous cloud on poro-perm plot
CALGARY, Alberta - There is no question that geology is a subjective science that is...
No pipelines, no trains, just Ass
HARDISTY, Alberta - Pipelines leak. Got it. Trains derail. Got it. So what is the...
Legendary geologist, Rocky Mindsporge, invents new crayons
CALGARY, Alberta - Superstar geology legend Rocky Mindsporge, renowned for his ability to correlate the...
HR department develops online survey to assess effectiveness of online surveys
CALGARY, Alberta - The Human Resources department of an intermediate oil and gas producer headquartered...
Former oil company executive relegated to greeter
CALGARY, Alberta -The ever growing price differential for bitumen continues to squeeze the netbacks for...
Reservoir engineer creates ‘Neg Pay’ map
HOUSTON, Texas (June 2012) - Johan Fabroni, an enigmatic junior reservoir engineer at Houston-based Drypool...
Aliens vs. Geophysicists – Vibratory Revenge: Movie Review
The Bottom Line
This geophyical, sci-fi revenge fantasy thriller fails to deliver on all fronts.
Director-Screenwriter
Francis Birch
Cast
Brad...
Anne Hydrite and Ray Tracing – A love story
Anne Hydrite first laid eyes on Ray Tracing at an oil and gas convention in...
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Back in the Day
Engineers. Love ’em or hate ’em, you likely gotta deal with ’em.
Engineers. If you live in Calgary, there is a good chance you are an engineer, you are married to an engineer, you work with an engineer, you know an engineer, you’ve spotted an engineer, you’ve heard of an engineer, or you’ve thought about murdering an engineer in cold blood...
Engineer rearranges contents of dishwasher to optimize dirty dish density
CALGARY, Alberta - After seeing his visiting mother-in-law load the dishwasher following a rather large Sunday afternoon family dinner, Anton McKnight, a Petrophysical Engineer with a Calgary-based consulting firm, took it upon himself to rearrange the contents of the dishwasher right beneath his MIL's nose.
So get this, she had...
Production tech goes for coffee on the way back from going for coffee
CALGARY, Alberta - On his way back from a 45 minute morning coffee run with 3 of his production engineering colleagues at Subterra Resources (using his favourite coffee cups), Peter Chekovski bumped into his regular coffee pals, who encouraged him to go for coffee again.
Well, I typically don't go...
